Some Ramblings

So, I'm hoping to be able for a few minutes to take advantage of the therapeutic benefits of writing.  I've felt the need a little bit more strongly lately to make a more concerted effort to record things in my life - even when I would rather ignore them.  I'm not so good at the keeping of an actual journal, this blog is kind of it.

And there you have my disclaimer for what you are about to read! (smiling)

I had a dream last night.  In it - Beefy was lost.  We were at the beach, and he wandered away.  After a lot of searching, we found him in a deep, kind of hidden, hole. Under water.  I was able to reach in, grab his hand, and save him.  He came up coughing and crying but otherwise okay.  All through my dream, I knew it was a dream.  And yet, the sense of relief that I felt when he was okay was so real to me, I could feel it physically.

I thought that I was past all of the baggage brought on by Beefy's accident.  It's been nearly two years now.  But every so often I will have a dream like this where one of my children (usually Beefy) is in peril, and a very real sense of helplessness overcomes me during these strange moments of sleep, a feeling that lingers even into waking.

Of course, these strange glimpses into my subconscious (on top of  re-affirming to me that I am probably a little bit crazy) open the gates for those pesky feelings of worthlessness, self-doubt and failure to come waltzing in (uninvited).  Add to that a couple of less-than-ideal experiences causing my emotions to run high, and you have a recipe for a very mentally strenuous day.

It's after days like this that I need to just step back and take a breather.  I have to remind myself that I'm not perfect.  I'm never going to be the flawless, gorgeous, popular one that multitudes of people admire and flock to.  I'm just plain old (kind of invisible) me.  And that is okay.  It has to be.

I have a husband, and kids who love me, a Savior who died for me, and a knowledge that his atonement will pick up the slack where my imperfections have come into play.  I have to know that this is enough.

It's not always the easiest thing to tell myself.  It's definitely not always what I want to hear.  But I hope that as I come to accept and truly believe this, and as long as I continue to try my very hardest to do the very best I can everyday, it will be enough.

If you have made it this far - Thanks.  Thanks for reading, and listening (figuratively of course) to me ramble a little bit, as I try to sort out my sometimes very muddled brain.  I hope you don't think I'm too crazy for it (well, at least no more crazy than I already was).

Have a wonderful week.  Mine is promising to be very full, hopefully with lots to write about.