1 Year

Today was one of those days where it was hard to feel bad about anything. The sun was shining, and it was nearly 60 degrees outside (always a nice thing). My friend Marque took the boys to the zoo so that I could have some quiet time, and go to my NST appointment, and I realized how lucky I am. I am so blessed.

1 year ago tomorrow (march 14), I went to an ultrasound appointment and found out that my 3rd pregnancy (which I was almost halfway through) was no more. It was a terribly difficult time, and my husband and I were in a zombie-like state of shock that lasted a while.

Surgery took place 4 days later, with a preparatory procedure that I could easily categorize as one of the most painful experiences (physically) I have ever had in my life. I had a 3 day hospital stay, and months of follow up appointments afterward.

It was a little surprising how fast I was able to get pregnant again. At the time it seemed like it would never happen, and yet here I am, a year later, a week away from giving birth to what seems to be a healthy, large baby girl.

I was admittedly nervous at first about the whole pregnancy, and especially when I started looking at the dates and realizing that they coincided with my hospitalization last year. Then I realized that I am actually kind of lucky (in a weird way) to have this positive association with what was such a horrible and life-changing experience.

I feel so blessed that things have gone so well. I know I have been watched out for. I am blessed to have really, really good Doctors who have made it a priority to make sure that I did not have a repeat experience. I appreciate that so much.

I've written about that loss a lot on here, so I won't get into it anymore. I will never forget that experience or that baby. It (and she) will always be a part of me.

As I was contemplating the way things have gone for us in the last year, I couldn't help but feel overwhelming joy.

I feel like a whale, and my hips and back have hurt constantly for almost two weeks straight now, but every time "Baby Sister" has "active time". I can't help but be really happy. It feels so good to know that things are going well.

I'll admit that I am still a little scared (how can a person not be) about the upcoming delivery, etc. but, overall I have a good feeling that everything is going to be okay.

There are days when I am pretty sure I must be crazy for doing this all over again, but I am actually very excited to have this baby.

It really is amazing what can happen in a year.

I Cried Today

Earlier, I was reading blogs- something I frequently do. A friend of mine from college who struggles with infertility and multiple miscarriages wrote a post today about National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, which is today, October 15. That post caught me off guard, and brought back a flood of memories-things I hadn't thought about for a while.

Although I am very excited about this new pregnancy there is a fear that only those who have been in my situation can understand. As I was reading about this day of remembrance my mind wandered to everyone I know whose life has been affected by the loss of an infant. It seems as if there is no one who is immune to this heartbreak in some way or another. Beefy's accident also brought these feelings to the foreground of my mind again. I am strongly reminded of how blessed I am to have the children I do have, and how I should not take them for granted.

In her post, my friend added the following link:
http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/
I'll warn you right now, that this is what made me cry. It is the beautifully heartbreaking website of a nonprofit organization of professional photographers who offer their services, free of charge, to families facing the loss of an infant. What an amazing thing. Unfortunately, I'm afraid everyone probably knows (or will someday) of someone who could have benefited from this service. Obviously it does not apply to every situation, but it is still so touching, in a way that I can't explain. I felt like I needed to pass this website along, if for no other reason than I think that what they do is important, and others should know about it.

I know that this post is kind of disorganized and random, and maybe even a little depressing, but it helps to get my feelings out of my head. Even if they don't make sense to anyone else. Have a wonderful day, and go hug your kids, I'm going to.

Random Thoughts On Life

I've been bad at posting for a while now. I have all the good intentions, but nothing ever comes of it. So, I've condensed the things I've been thinking of posting about into "thoughts" on the subjects, in an effort to get me caught up and to still keep things interesting. So here goes!

• Due Dates: I have officially passed all of my due dates (I had three) for the baby girl we lost in March. Back then I was really worried that this would be a really hard time for me, but surprisingly it hasn't bothered me as much as I expected it too. I definitely thought about it on all three of the days, and a little bit a few weeks ago, (which would have been, for me anyway, a more accurate assumption of arrival) but no emotional breakdowns of the magnitude that I was expecting last spring when it was so new. I guess it is true that time heals all wounds.
  
• Beefy's New Hobby: Recently I have found Beefy playing by himself, cussing out his toys. This morning it was "No Lightning! Stop it!" I'm not sure what the poor little die-cast Lightning McQueen did to deserve such a butt-chewing, but it did make me think that I maybe shouldn't scold my kids quite so often.
  
• Move Over Martha: I made freezer jam on Saturday. I know that isn't a big deal for some people, but for someone like me who is not so domestically inclined- it was a huge deal. We have wild blackberries growing on the hill behind our house and I went and picked some and made freezer jam while Trent was at work. It tasted good when I tried it during the process, but we haven't actually broken out a container yet, so I am hoping that it continues to be as good as I remember so that I don't loose the confidence to try it again.
• The Olympics: We, like many others I have talked to, spent a lot of late nights the last couple of weeks watching the Olympics. It was pretty cool (well the swimming, diving, and gymnastics anyway) and I gained a lot of respect for people who are willing to work that hard to pursue a sport, especially the ones who made me tired just watching them (that was a lot of them unfortunately).
• My Camera: Not that I am an avid photographer, but I do like to have a camera that works on hand when I need it. My current camera is less than two years old, and has decided to mostly not ever work now. Unfortunately current circumstances don't allow for me to just go out and blow it on a new one that might last a little longer. Darn that "life on a budget" stuff.
• Overtime: My husband has been working lots of overtime lately, which puts me in an emotional dilemma. He has worked at least half days the last three Saturdays, plus late everyday during the week. My dilemma is that I miss not getting to see him as much, but these last few (and next few) paychecks....they are really, really nice. It seems only natural to want them to continue.
  
• Lunch: Today was my friends birthday, so she, and another friend, and I went to lunch. You should have seen the people at the Red Robin look at us when we walked in with 3 adults and 6 kids. It was pretty funny. They shoved us back into the "people with kids" corner (you know, the place way away from all the other diners that you get seated at when you show up to a restaurant with kids) and compared to the other people also seated back there, our group did great. They sat, they ate, they didn't break or spill anything. Overall, a really good day. Plus the food was excellent (always a plus).

Well, that has been us in a nutshell recently. I guess the reason I've had a hard time posting is that life has just been normal, and for some reason normal life doesn't seem eventful enough to write about. I'm going to have to work on that I guess.

Its finally over!

Hooray! Today I had my last follow-up doctor appointment. (If you are confused see the previous post entitled "The Elephant in the Room") Since my surgery I have gone back to the Perinatalogist a few times for multiple blood tests to rule things out and to try and find a cause for the death of the baby. We haven't found a cause, and probably never will, but we have ruled out enough things that I don't have to go back anymore. Now, I am just waiting on the results of one final blood test before I can get the "go-ahead" to try again.

I've got to say, I am so ready to be done with this series of appointments and tests. It has been a hassle (arranging for babysitting, actually driving down to the hospital, waiting to talk to the Dr., etc.) and surprisingly hard emotionally. I get to where I am doing okay, and then have to go in and be interrogated about how I am coping, and if I have good support networks, and if I have seen a grief counselor, and all of this. I make it through the appointments okay, but when it is over, I am surprisingly drained just having to think about all of it again.

The Dr.'s office has been very good about keeping me away from the pregnant women while I am there (that is, after all, what most women are there for). I always get taken back right away to my own private room. Even though it is kind of boring having to wait by myself in a quiet room, I do have to commend them for their thoughtfulness.

Although this experience will always be a big part of me and who I am, all in all it is a huge relief to have this over. It will be very nice to let my life take that last step in getting back to normal.

Sad

Yesterday I learned about a family in our ward (church congregation) who just had a stillborn baby at 7 months. I was very sad for them, but the thing that surprised me was the emotions it brought back for me (things I thought I was past). I know it will take time, but I guess I just expected things to go alot more smoothly for me. Needless to say, it made for a bit of a rough day yesterday.

The Elephant in the Room

Because this blog is a way for me to document events in my life, I feel like I need this post to give background to what life has been like for me recently. To those of you who already know about this, sorry for the repeat, for those who don't sorry too. It is kind of a conversation stopper, so I haven't been the best about getting it out there until now. Last December(2007) I found out that I was pregnant with baby number 3. We hadn't been trying for very long and although things seemed to be going smoothly (for a pregnancy) I always had some underlying discomfort that something wasn't right. Obviously these feelings got pushed aside as paranoia. At 16 weeks(march) I went in to my doctor for a regular check-up and some routine blood work. We heard a heartbeat and everything seemed fine. A few days later I received a phone call that some of my blood work was kind of off, and they wanted me to go in for an in-depth ultrasound to make sure everything was alright. Unfortunately, we found out that our baby had passed away. Miscarriage at 17 weeks is rather rare, and I find it hard to call it a miscarriage, but I don't feel it was a stillbirth either. The "medical" term they used for me was "fetal demise", somehow that seems to fit. Four days later I was in for surgery to take care of it, and due to what looked like some bad infection, I spent 3 days in the hospital. Since then my life has been a flurry of doctors appointments and tests and some good days and some bad. It was a girl, and those who know me, understand how hard that is for me. Surprisingly enough, I am doing okay, granted there are some tough moments, but the peace I feel is stronger than the hurt. At this point we don't know the cause, and probably never will, but I know without a doubt that she is taken care of, and that I will get another chance to raise her. I believe that this knowledge (that this isn't the end) makes all the difference.