The Elephant in the Room

Because this blog is a way for me to document events in my life, I feel like I need this post to give background to what life has been like for me recently. To those of you who already know about this, sorry for the repeat, for those who don't sorry too. It is kind of a conversation stopper, so I haven't been the best about getting it out there until now. Last December(2007) I found out that I was pregnant with baby number 3. We hadn't been trying for very long and although things seemed to be going smoothly (for a pregnancy) I always had some underlying discomfort that something wasn't right. Obviously these feelings got pushed aside as paranoia. At 16 weeks(march) I went in to my doctor for a regular check-up and some routine blood work. We heard a heartbeat and everything seemed fine. A few days later I received a phone call that some of my blood work was kind of off, and they wanted me to go in for an in-depth ultrasound to make sure everything was alright. Unfortunately, we found out that our baby had passed away. Miscarriage at 17 weeks is rather rare, and I find it hard to call it a miscarriage, but I don't feel it was a stillbirth either. The "medical" term they used for me was "fetal demise", somehow that seems to fit. Four days later I was in for surgery to take care of it, and due to what looked like some bad infection, I spent 3 days in the hospital. Since then my life has been a flurry of doctors appointments and tests and some good days and some bad. It was a girl, and those who know me, understand how hard that is for me. Surprisingly enough, I am doing okay, granted there are some tough moments, but the peace I feel is stronger than the hurt. At this point we don't know the cause, and probably never will, but I know without a doubt that she is taken care of, and that I will get another chance to raise her. I believe that this knowledge (that this isn't the end) makes all the difference.